It turns out that video games are bad for your health. Or at least cheap knock off controllers are...according to the official manufacturer.
I usually don't have time to write about nerdy things like video games because I'm too busy driving expensive sports cars and romancing super models to bother playing Doom II: Hell on Earth for seventeen hours last Saturday, but this just needs to be passed along. Sony, the company behind the popular video game console Playstation 3, released a consumer warning on September 21st regarding “Counterfeit PlayStation®3 Wireless Controllers, which are practically identical in appearance to genuine PlayStation®3 Wireless Controllers.”
That's right, the controller you hold in your hands right now could be secretly fake! But wait, the consequences, or shall we say “fallout”, could be fare more serious that a little unwitting customer disloyalty.
“SCEA [Sony Computer Entertainment America] advises consumers to be cautious when buying PlayStation®3 Wireless Controllers from uncertain sources as the quality, reliability and safety of counterfeit products is uncertain, and in some cases, may be dangerous. It is possible that some counterfeit product may ignite or explode, resulting in injury or damage to the user, your PlayStation®3 computer entertainment system, or other property.”
Wow. Do you know where I hold my controller when I don't play video games because I'm too busy being a successful and popular? My lap. You know what else is in my lap? Things I don't want exploded, that's what! (Seriously, where could I find replacement lucky rocketship underwear?) Obviously the situation is dire, and I for one, am glad that Sony was man enough to come out and admit such horrible things about their competitors.
Although I've rigorously searched the Internet for about five minutes, and I can find no reports of PS3 controllers of any variety actually exploding. There is a youtube video of some people filling an Xbox controller with fireworks and blowing it up in their driveway, which is almost as good, but doesn't quite support Sony's warning. What seems to be going on here, to quote Escapist Magazine's article on the subject, is just “a teensy bit of spin on this statement.” Maybe just a smidgen. Further on in the consumer warning, Sony states that “Moreover, SCEA does not support continued functionality of counterfeit or unlicensed controllers in system software updates and these devices may cease to function in the future because of system software updates.” So basically, Sony is going to make sure they don't work, because they are afraid for my and my reproductive ability's personal safety.
While I appreciate Sony telling me that it's disabling its competitor's products because of concern for my lapular region, I think they may have misjudged their target audience a bit. To quote G4tv's Stephen Johnson “My first question, of course, is where are these uncertain sources so I can purchase an exploding fake PlayStation 3 controller?” Let's get real here, “exploding” is a bonus to pretty much any product. (Just ask Ford.) Now when I'm done blowing stuff up in videogames, I can blow stuff up in real life? I'm sold! Er, I mean, I would be sold if I were a complete nerd, but I'm far too busy sailing around on my pleasure yacht full of stacks of money and bikini-clad 19 year old Tahitian virgins to care.
Anyways, if Sony really wants to put the hurt on their cheap competitors, they should release a high quality licensed controller that's guaranteed to explode. “Force feedback...from hell! So powerful, it will blow you reproductive ability right off!” People would buy it in droves. I mean, Xbox, their biggest competitor, has already developed an exploding console. Sony needs to get its head in the game. And then blow it up.
Well, that's about all I have to say, because it's time for me to go not play some Nintendo. In closing, please keep in mind that The Battalion newspapers can give you paper cuts to the hands face and groin, and are also capable of carrying numerous diseases, such as the plague and herpigonosyphilaids.